The Checklist vs The Shredder

Well it only took me 28 years to figure this out.  Everyone, at some point or another, has created a checklist of qualities they want in their potential partner.  It’s human nature to yearn for perfection.  The problem is, no one is perfect, well, except for Ryan Gosling. So if your checklist is a million miles long, newsflash, you’re going to be single forever.  Not just forever. I’m talking about The Sandlot type of foooorrr-eeeeevvvvv-eeerrrrr.  If there are certain qualities in another person that you know you can’t live without, by all means, hold out for what you want.  But if your checklist is the same length at the book Yongle Dadian, which has total of 11,095 volumes and 22,877 chapters, it’s time to throw the checklist away or risk dying alone.  Besides, a checklist that long is utterly ridiculous.  Mine was more reasonable.  I thought an even 20,000 chapters would suffice.

Here’s the point of this post.  I’ve learned an interesting lesson; again, it only took me 28 years.  A few of months ago I went on a handful dates with a couple of gentleman who had almost all of the qualities on my “checklist”.  Both guys were tall, handsome, smart, had jobs, and knew what they wanted out of life.  I shared a few things in common with both suitors and figured one of these guys had to be the end all be all.  After a few dates with each guy, I began to realize that even with my checklist almost full-filled, combined with shared interests, I found myself bored.  Completely bored.  Gone with the Wind bored.  I was so confused!  All of my dating experience and creating a fool proof checklist of the perfect boyfriend was all for what?  Nothing.  That’s right folks, nothing.  Well, not totally nothing, there was wine and cheese involved which is always worth something!

There’s so much pressure to date the person that fits the perfect picture of your future life.  Maybe that’s just pressure that I put on myself, though.  Friends have told me throughout the years to let go of what I think I need and to just let whatever happens, happen.  For the longest time I thought I knew better.  I was looking for the epitome of true gentleman.  What girl wouldn’t want that?  It wasn’t until I actually went out with the living, breathing, reality of my checklist that I realized how boring my life would be if I actually got what I wanted.  So, I’m off to buy a shredder.  Time to take my 20,000 chapters, make some confetti, and have a party, wine and cheese included.

The World's Most Elegible Bachelors...At Least on Tinder

So the main reason why I decided to start this blog is because I enjoy writing. That's correct. I said writing, not dating, which is supposed to be what this whole blog is about. Anyway, in my last post I introduced you all to the world of Tinder. It's kind of like speed dating, but online. It's also a great way to kill your battery. I learned that the hard way. Last week I had to cut myself off when I realized I was at 20% by 11 am. 

As I scrolled through the vast array of potential suitors, I began to notice a trend. I don't consider myself to be a judgmental person, but after a while I began to feel bad at the amount of "NOPE"s I was choosing. Am I really that shallow? Am I not giving these men a fair shot? I took a good, hard look in the mirror and realized I'm not the one to blame. This whole app was created on the notion that people usually judge a book by it's cover. As much as we might hate to admit it, we do it. So, if that's the case, why not put your best cover forward? A profile on Tinder only holds five photos. Most people would want to choose the best five photos they have of themselves. I repeat, most people. Below I give you the reasons why I don't feel bad about saying NOPE. (Note, I managed to pick ones where there were no common friends.  It was harder than you might think. If you see someone you know, please instruct them to change their profile picture, immediately.)

This guy.  I mean, how hot is a guy with a snake around his shoulders?  Cullen, if we put you in a green bikini top I think you'd pass for Britney Spears at the 2001 MTV VMA's.  And the facial expression?  Classic.  

I will be the first one to admit that I am a huge fan of Disneyland.  Even when I'm 80, Disneyland will forever remain the Happiest Place on Earth that's within 35 miles of my house.  It will also remain the most expensive place on earth.  At one point however, I put my autograph book down and retired my Ariel pen.  A Gangster pose with Goofy is not going to get me to like you.  I'm sorry.

Oh my gosh!  I loved my Prom picture too!  So much so that it's in a frame, at my parents house, somewhere in a box, most likely in the garage, collecting dust.  As much as I treasured that picture, try to remember that it's best to be as current as possible in your photos. 

At first glance, Jacob looked sweet, possibly adventurous with his purple shirt and mountain climby backpack.  But then I noticed his friend, the goat.  Or possibly lama.  Not sure which one it is, but as much as I love animals, maybe the goat picture is something you can whip out at a family function, not on Tinder.

Meet Miroki, my new boyfriend.  He's an astronaut.  Don't believe me?  Look at his photo!  He's in a space shuttle with an astronaut helmet on.  Seriously, he wouldn't lie.  He's a mature 32 year old man!

This photo was just like any old selfie.  As soon as I checked his age, I noticed the other thing in the photo.  The cat.  I almost wanted to like the photo just for the cat, but then I remembered I wasn't on Facebook.  Moving on.

Ah yes, so dapper and sophisticated.  I cannot resist the old timey sunglasses!  But sir, I mustache you a question...WHY???

This is one of many, many, many, many, many, many (did I say many?) photos of a mans chest.  Mind you there were only two photos on this profile and neither one included his head.  Kudos to your hard work Mr. Muscles, but I need a picture of your face.

 All I can think about when I see this photo is Gotham City, missing their hero.  Batman, return to your city!  They need you!  Also, please do not attempt to jump off any buildings.  The only information I have to give to medical personnel is your first name, age, and approximate wing span.

Andy, Andy, Andy.  I mean what can I say?  I don't think anyone is as good looking as you.  You take the cake on this one, hot stuff.

Damn, you look good for 67, but no.

Ok, seriously, what is with all the lies?!  I know you're not 26!  Cristian, I recommend that you get off Tinder, do your math homework, and go back to fifth grade.

This just in, Ron Burgundy is on Tinder.  Ladies, line up!

Oh yes, pyromania is the quality I'm most looking for in a man and future husband.  It shows his passion and desire.  It also shows that he's crazy and that I should run away, or in this case, click the red X button.

I love a man who can shove things up his nose.  I mean, come on, have you ever heard of America's Got Talent?  Kurtis, my new boyfriend, is going to be on the show, win, and turn us into reality star celebrities. 

Ryan isn't so bad, but I feel like his dog is coming onto me (notice the wink).  You're so cute little buddy, but you're moving a little to fast for me and I'm going to have to put you down, I mean, let you down, and say no.

So your saying your head is cold and your body is hot?  Ohhhhhh, I get it, your body is hot.  Yeahhhhh, no.

With all the gun control issues going on in this country, are you sure that posting a photo of yourself, with guns, is a good idea?  I'm all for the Second Amendment, but you've got to put that on lock-down, buddy.  That's not sexy, it's scary.

Opinion: Sometimes dogs look like their owners.  Would you agree?

There's nothing sexier than a guy at the dentist, specifically in the chair.  I wish you'd smile for me Spencer, but I'll let it slide since you probably can't feel your face at the moment.

Just another day in my bathroom, taking a selfie, with my shirt off. 

Tattoos can be attractive, when they're done right.  I don't think Brandon likes to take his own advice.  Let's hope next time he makes better choices.

Joseph, you look good for 65 and I'm impressed by your courage to take a selfie flying over the ocean.  Unless that's a green screen, in which I'm appalled by your lack of creativity.  Come on, you can come up with something better than para-sailing.

Not one, not two, but three!!! Three dudes without shirts!  Ladies, you can thank me later.  I will say I am somewhat impressed with the oldie in the middle.  He's probably what, like, 56?  How can I like him?

In case you couldn't tell, Stephen is a model and this is his head shot.

At first, I thought this was a woman.  But then I realized it was a man who possibly had longer hair.  No, wait, that's not hair, that's a monkey.  No.

  

Nothing melts a woman's heart like seeing a man hold a baby.  Totally the same thing, right?!

   

Lastly, this guy just looks like a cross between Nicolas Cage and Ryan Gosling.  Who knew that would be sexy, right?!?!  Crazy and creepy!

Well, that's all folks.  I hope none of you think less of me.  I really don't like to make fun of people, but these photos were just too amazing.  Besides, it's all in good fun. 

As always, happy dating. :-)

My Tinder Heart

Well, the app gods gave single people everywhere an early Christmas gift.  Say goodbye to monthly subscriptions, emailing, winking, and coming up catchy headliners.  Welcome to the world of Tinder.  It’s the most ingenious and addicting app since Angry Birds.  If you’re single, no matter what you’re looking for, this app is a must-have!  A special thanks goes out to my girl Whit who suggested I use Tinder for fun. It now has turned into the best thing ever! 

How it works:

Logging in with your Facebook, Tinder takes friends and likes in common that you have with potential suitors in your area.  A profile picture appears and you make a simple choice: like or dislike.  I’m telling you, it’s ingenious!  If you like a photo, and that suitor also likes your photo, a love connection is made and an instant message chat begins!  From there, it’s up to you!  There’s no profile, match settings, or personality test.  It’s like online speed dating.  An even better analogy, it’s like Match.com on crack.  In fact, it's #matchoncrack!

Here's a little advice for ladies who choose to accept the challenge: If you don’t have friends or likes in common and each of the guys five photos looks like they stepped out of Magic Mike, they are not a real guy.  Or, if they are a real guy, then they are a really, really, really old guy somewhere being creepy.  I'm assuming it goes both ways, so dudes, beware!  My suggestion: do not like their photo!  No matter how much they resemble Ryan Gosling or Adriana Lima, move on.  Trust me, there's plenty to choose from.

Another piece of advice: anyone who asks for more pictures, specifically of body parts, block.  Block and keep going.  One problem with the app is the lack of preference settings.  An age preference would be fantastic but unfortunately isn't available.  Since preferences are minimal, you'll come across a lot of male suitors whose profile picture is with a scantily clad female or a cat.  Weird I know, but I swear I’ve come across at least eight guys who are holding a cat in their pictures.  It actually has become quite amusing.  It also made me think about getting a cat.  Oops, tangent.  Sorry, now back to the program.  I also recommend avoiding anyone who says they're over 100 but obviously look 25.  That’s just dumb and proves the limit of their creativity.

I've noticed some other potential issues.  For example, keeping track of all the information for each individual!  Seriously, I don’t know how guys do it!  Dating multiple people at once takes a lot of skill, dedication, and memorization.  I’m fairly sure that’s why monogamy was created.  We human beings can only handle so much information before we start getting confused!  I’m thinking about adding a note in my iPhone and listing the general details for each potential suitor.  Either that or flash cards.  I haven’t decided yet. 

Overall the app is great and I recommend it to singletons everywhere!  It’s a great way to meet new people without the hustle and bustle of online dating.  I’ve had more dates in a week and a half than I’ve had in a year!  I was even able to reconnect and see an old friend from elementary school!  You know who you are!  So, if you need a date, an ego boost, or a laugh, let Tinder start your dating fire.

As always, happy dating everyone. :-)

Zero Tolerance

It was best way to start a great weekend, a night out in Laguna Beach with my girlfriends, catching up on life. The Rooftop turned into The Saloon where one of my friends ran into an old co-worker. When I say old, I mean he was really OLD! Chuck was also enjoying his Friday night with his friend, ummmmmmmm, I can't remember his name so well call him, Nameless.

Everyone was enjoying the evening until Nameless started talking about something called "Zero Tolerance". I wasn't paying too much attention until he sat down across from me.  That's when the circus began.

Right off the bat, Nameless swung and missed. He inquired about how many drinks I had so far and what they were. This is a random question to ask, unless you're my mother. He explained "we" (as in he and his city, Laguna Beach) are having a "Zero Tolerance" weekend. According to him, this meant a person can't have even a single drop of alcohol in their system if driving. He used his extensive math skills to determine my drinks per hour and said that I needed to wait until four am until I was able to drive. This made absolutely no sense since I had three drinks in four hours, on a full stomach, with water in-between. Plus, talking to him was sobering enough. I tried to explain that only if a person is over the legal limit, can they be arrested. He looked at me blankly as if surprised that I was arguing with him. He then proceeded to inform me that I was mistaken and the drinking limit is determined at the city level, not by the state. Now, I don't know the law verbatim, nor do I study politics in my leisure time, but I'm fairly certain he was full of s%&$.

After providing this valuable information, he asked me if I felt invincible, confidant, and able to drive? I didn't feel any of those, I felt attacked, confused and sober.  He showed me the article regarding this matter on his phone. As I gazed through it, he happened to mentioned that he lives only a couple blocks away and reminded me that I shouldn't drive until 4am according to his math. I continued reading and noticed the "Zero Tolerance" weekend wasn't actually a weekend at all. In fact, it's scheduled for Saturday, April 6th at 9pm. I reminded him it was Friday not Saturday, but he just looked at me with a death stare and said, "Zero Tolerance". I was talking to a brick wall and decided to give up. Does it end there? Of course not.

Another 15 minutes of insults and awkward conversation left me feeling like it was time to make a run for it. I "went to the restroom" and came back to get my girlfriends. I politely said goodbye and walked out of the bar. One of my married friends still needed to close her tab. She came out laughing and told me that she promised Nameless I wouldn't drive us home and that he wondered why I "escaped like a banshee". The icing on the cake was his serious request of her:

"Do you think you could set up something with you, Chuck, your friend and me"? She explained that she was married and a double date with someone other than her husband probably wouldn't go over well. But again, brick wall. Nameless didn't seem to understand what the problem was.  He didn't seem to understand a lot of things. Like what the word banshee means. I don't recall wailing loudly in the bar and if I had, he obviously wouldn't have known it was the warning sign of his impending death.

I'm not sure if there's a lesson to learn here except that from now on, I have a zero tolerance policy. Any guy who insults women, is incapable of listening, and calls them banshees, should be thrown in jail. Ok, maybe that's a little extreme, but hey, I'm a banshee and I have zero tolerance for bull s%&$.

As always, happy dating everyone. :-)