So the main reason why I decided to start this blog is because I enjoy writing. That's correct. I said writing, not dating, which is supposed to be what this whole blog is about. Anyway, in my last post I introduced you all to the world of Tinder. It's kind of like speed dating, but online. It's also a great way to kill your battery. I learned that the hard way. Last week I had to cut myself off when I realized I was at 20% by 11 am.
As I scrolled through the vast array of potential suitors, I began to notice a trend. I don't consider myself to be a judgmental person, but after a while I began to feel bad at the amount of "NOPE"s I was choosing. Am I really that shallow? Am I not giving these men a fair shot? I took a good, hard look in the mirror and realized I'm not the one to blame. This whole app was created on the notion that people usually judge a book by it's cover. As much as we might hate to admit it, we do it. So, if that's the case, why not put your best cover forward? A profile on Tinder only holds five photos. Most people would want to choose the best five photos they have of themselves. I repeat, most people. Below I give you the reasons why I don't feel bad about saying NOPE. (Note, I managed to pick ones where there were no common friends. It was harder than you might think. If you see someone you know, please instruct them to change their profile picture, immediately.)
This guy. I mean, how hot is a guy with a snake around his shoulders? Cullen, if we put you in a green bikini top I think you'd pass for Britney Spears at the 2001 MTV VMA's. And the facial expression? Classic.
I will be the first one to admit that I am a huge fan of Disneyland. Even when I'm 80, Disneyland will forever remain the Happiest Place on Earth that's within 35 miles of my house. It will also remain the most expensive place on earth. At one point however, I put my autograph book down and retired my Ariel pen. A Gangster pose with Goofy is not going to get me to like you. I'm sorry.
Oh my gosh! I loved my Prom picture too! So much so that it's in a frame, at my parents house, somewhere in a box, most likely in the garage, collecting dust. As much as I treasured that picture, try to remember that it's best to be as current as possible in your photos.
At first glance, Jacob looked sweet, possibly adventurous with his purple shirt and mountain climby backpack. But then I noticed his friend, the goat. Or possibly lama. Not sure which one it is, but as much as I love animals, maybe the goat picture is something you can whip out at a family function, not on Tinder.
Meet Miroki, my new boyfriend. He's an astronaut. Don't believe me? Look at his photo! He's in a space shuttle with an astronaut helmet on. Seriously, he wouldn't lie. He's a mature 32 year old man!
This photo was just like any old selfie. As soon as I checked his age, I noticed the other thing in the photo. The cat. I almost wanted to like the photo just for the cat, but then I remembered I wasn't on Facebook. Moving on.
Ah yes, so dapper and sophisticated. I cannot resist the old timey sunglasses! But sir, I mustache you a question...WHY???
This is one of many, many, many, many, many, many (did I say many?) photos of a mans chest. Mind you there were only two photos on this profile and neither one included his head. Kudos to your hard work Mr. Muscles, but I need a picture of your face.
All I can think about when I see this photo is Gotham City, missing their hero. Batman, return to your city! They need you! Also, please do not attempt to jump off any buildings. The only information I have to give to medical personnel is your first name, age, and approximate wing span.
Andy, Andy, Andy. I mean what can I say? I don't think anyone is as good looking as you. You take the cake on this one, hot stuff.
Damn, you look good for 67, but no.
Ok, seriously, what is with all the lies?! I know you're not 26! Cristian, I recommend that you get off Tinder, do your math homework, and go back to fifth grade.
This just in, Ron Burgundy is on Tinder. Ladies, line up!
Oh yes, pyromania is the quality I'm most looking for in a man and future husband. It shows his passion and desire. It also shows that he's crazy and that I should run away, or in this case, click the red X button.
I love a man who can shove things up his nose. I mean, come on, have you ever heard of America's Got Talent? Kurtis, my new boyfriend, is going to be on the show, win, and turn us into reality star celebrities.
Ryan isn't so bad, but I feel like his dog is coming onto me (notice the wink). You're so cute little buddy, but you're moving a little to fast for me and I'm going to have to put you down, I mean, let you down, and say no.
So your saying your head is cold and your body is hot? Ohhhhhh, I get it, your body is hot. Yeahhhhh, no.
With all the gun control issues going on in this country, are you sure that posting a photo of yourself, with guns, is a good idea? I'm all for the Second Amendment, but you've got to put that on lock-down, buddy. That's not sexy, it's scary.
Opinion: Sometimes dogs look like their owners. Would you agree?
There's nothing sexier than a guy at the dentist, specifically in the chair. I wish you'd smile for me Spencer, but I'll let it slide since you probably can't feel your face at the moment.
Just another day in my bathroom, taking a selfie, with my shirt off.
Tattoos can be attractive, when they're done right. I don't think Brandon likes to take his own advice. Let's hope next time he makes better choices.
Joseph, you look good for 65 and I'm impressed by your courage to take a selfie flying over the ocean. Unless that's a green screen, in which I'm appalled by your lack of creativity. Come on, you can come up with something better than para-sailing.
Not one, not two, but three!!! Three dudes without shirts! Ladies, you can thank me later. I will say I am somewhat impressed with the oldie in the middle. He's probably what, like, 56? How can I like him?
In case you couldn't tell, Stephen is a model and this is his head shot.
At first, I thought this was a woman. But then I realized it was a man who possibly had longer hair. No, wait, that's not hair, that's a monkey. No.
Nothing melts a woman's heart like seeing a man hold a baby. Totally the same thing, right?!
Lastly, this guy just looks like a cross between Nicolas Cage and Ryan Gosling. Who knew that would be sexy, right?!?! Crazy and creepy!
Well, that's all folks. I hope none of you think less of me. I really don't like to make fun of people, but these photos were just too amazing. Besides, it's all in good fun.
