Untold Stories of Girls Night Out - The Series: Concequences

Before I begin, I would like to make an announcement.  I'll be writing a series called “Untold Stories of Girls Night Out.”  In these stories you'll get to experience, or even re-live, nights out with my friends.  Names will be changed for confidentiality, but the stories are real.  Enjoy!

There’s nothing better than a girl’s night out.  Spending time with your best girlfriends, drinking cocktails, and dancing the night away is essential to blowing off steam from the work week.  There are a few things that inevitably happen on a GNO.   Some stories are open to being retold; others, sworn to secrecy.  Usually girls out on a GNO fall into one of the following categories: drunky, dancey, cryie, laughy, texty, manhunty, or feisty.  I turn into manhunty. 

Apparently, my favorite thing to do on a GNO is give out my number to any man who has a pulse.  In a drunken moment of optimism, I give my digits to potential suitors only to wake up the next morning with multiple texts, missed phone calls, and the realization that I am the one to blame for weeks of unwanted communication.

What was that you asked?  Why don’t I just give out a fake phone number?  I’ve asked myself the same question!  I think that deep down I’m a hopeless romantic.  Yes, I’m in a dive bar and, yes, the guy I’m talking to has a beard that can compete with that of Santa Claus, but he could be the one!  Besides, think of all the time and energy I’d save during Christmas:  No more taking my children to the mall to get pictures with Santa—Daddy’s already got a beard!  All he needs is a red suit!  I’m killing two birds with one stone here, people!  You think I would learn from my mistakes and come to the conclusion that giving out my number will have consequences.  Well, ladies and gentleman, I give you, The Consequence.

A few of my girlfriends and I went out this past weekend.  We started off at our usual spot.  After a couple of cocktails, I began talking to a handsome fellow and before I knew it, conversation turned from typical to flirtatious.  He was smart, tall, had a contagious laugh.  I was intrigued and hopeful.  But then he threw a curve ball.  My wing women asked if he was Catholic.  His response was a firm, “Hell no!”  Clearly, he was traumatized by this question.  I started to lose interest quickly.  I wanted to continue with my GNO and enjoy the rest of the evening.  Hell boy had a different idea in mind.  After learning that I was Catholic, he decided that this was his opportunity to make me realize what a complete sham the Catholic faith was and that I had been brainwashed.  He attempted to quiz me on the Church’s catechism and to explain why the Pope was a “joke.”  Finally, he realized I was not amused and he turned to compliments in the hope that they would save the conversation.  They didn’t. 

I knew being rude wouldn’t help the situation, even if he was insulting my religion.  I felt as though I was representing Catholics everywhere and I didn’t want to give this guy any more “proof that all Catholics are idiots.”  Just when I thought he’d given up, he asked for my phone number.  I couldn’t think of a good response to let him down easy so I panicked and gave him a fake number.  Then he threw another curve ball and called my faux number and asked me to repeat his number to him.  In shock, I acted as if he spilled his drink on me and excused myself. This guy wasn’t going to take no for an answer, so I took action, made an escape, and went home.  I was in the clear… or so I thought. 

Monday evening I received a text message from a number I didn’t recognize.  It said, “I hate Jesus. ;-D . It was fun hanging out with you the other night…weird thing is we’ve met before.  I already had your number in my phone.  I’m totally perplexed as to why you gave me the wrong number.  I was hoping you’d shed light on the situation.”

Oh, the horror!  I’m fairly certain I had a mini heart attack when I read that.  How is it even possible?! I have no recollection of meeting Hell boy before.  Out of guilt, I ended up coming clean and apologizing about the faux number.  I explained to him that I wasn’t interested and after he spent the better part of an hour insulting me, I thought we probably would not make a good match.  My honesty only made things worse.  I was then assaulted with the longest text message ever received on the planet.  I can’t repeat what he wrote, but suffice to say I could barely read through all the unkind words.  Did I mention he was thirty-five?  I wonder why he's still single.

There are lessons to be learned here.  Most are self-explanatory but if I can give a few pieces of advice they would be this: don’t talk religion in a bar, never give out your number under the influence, and never give a fake number—it'll probably come back to bite you in the…well, you know.  As always, happy dating.

Self Help Me

A quick note before I begin, I can't take credit for the catchy title. To the person who came up with it years ago, if you're reading this, thank you.

There's an episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte contemplates purchasing a book to help her with her divorce from Dr. Trey McDougal.  She courageously made her way to the Self Help section at Barnes and Noble.  Upon finding the book she’s looking for, she notices another woman, curled up on the ground, sobbing uncontrollably. With a Self Help book in one hand and tissues in the other, she tells Charlotte how much that particular book helped her. Charlotte, looking like a deer in headlights, immediately puts down the book and acts as though she’s lost.  “Travel?  Travel?” 

If anyone’s ever bought a Self Help book before (and don’t lie, you know you read He’s Just Not That into You), I’m sure you can relate to this scenario.  I know I have.  I started reading one recently.  It’s been sitting on my bookshelf for years doing what most of my books do, collect dust.  Browsing my extensive library of famous literary works such as The 28 Day Detox, How the French Stay Thin, and Twilight, my eye caught this simple yet powerful title.  Single. I had no intention of doing a detox, dieting, or re-reading Twilight, only to feel depressed that vampires aren’t real, so I decided to see what words of encouragement author, Judy Ford had for me. 

A few chapters in and I was surprised by the authors uplifting words.  Sure, it was corny at some points, but I’m realizing that the truth is corny because it’s simple. To some, reading a Self Help book is a defining moment of failure.  It means you’ve exhausted all other ways of getting answers without success.  In reality, it’s quite the opposite.  It shows that you’re willing to be open-minded and try something different.  This book hasn’t given me answers, but it’s helped to change my perspective.  Part of growing as an individual is changing or being open to a new perspective.  Anything that does that is worth dusting off.

Here’s what I found to be valuable and worth sharing.

“A big part of life is self-discovery and becoming the best person you can be.” OK duh, but sometimes we need to be reminded about the basics.

“Being single is the ultimate time for personal and spiritual development.  Take advantage and cherish your autonomy.”  I couldn’t agree more.  It’s much harder to find your personal direction when you're putting your energy into someone else or a relationship.  Taking the time to really find yourself is important before you meet Ryan Gosling.

“Love doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else.  Love is not a relationship.  Love is a state of being; it’s the condition of our own heart.”  I think everyone can benefit from this statement.

“Quality is better than quantity.”  Apply to this to everything, not just dating!

“Single isn’t an identity, it’s a gift.”  Rinse and repeat this daily.

“Whether you’re single or in a romance, individuality is a basic ingredient for happiness.” 

“Be darling, be eccentric, be you without apology to anyone.  Be prepared.  Be generous with your time, with your talents, with your loving.  And most of all my friends, be generous with yourself.”  I love this!

So, don’t be afraid to self help yourself.  There’s no shame in it. Gaining knowledge to be a better you is something to be proud of.  Change your perspective, learn, grow, be open, and live fabulously, no matter what stage in life you’re in.  

Just please don't read this Self Help book.  Scary.  Very scary.

Book: Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled, and Independent by Judy Ford.

Enough's, Enough

After multiple attempts dabbling in the in online dating world, (more times than I feel comfortable sharing) I decided to throw in the towel.  My dating life has been on pause for a couple of months now, but the holidays are fast approaching and I’m starting to feel a little, antsy.  To remind myself why I waved my white flag, vigorously I might add, I began to reminisce upon my most “interesting” dates.  Lucky for you all, I’m going to write about them.  Think of it as an early Christmas present from yours truly.

Match – The Hockey Fan

This was one of my first dates on Match (the first time around).  This guy, we’ll call him Ryan, seemed sweet through email.  He was funny, complimentary, well-rounded, and tall.  He recommended dinner and a Ducks game for our first date!  I was pleasantly surprised by his suggestion and thrilled at the fact that we’d be sitting 3^rd row, center ice!  Score! (Pun intended) My only hope was that he looked as good in person as he did in his photos.  My first glimpse of Ryan confused me.  I wasn’t quite sure if it was really him or someone who looked vaguely like him.  Immediately I realized I needed to control my facial expression as he walked toward me.  Crap, I’ve been duped.  He must have used photos from a few years ago, and by a few I mean at least 15, but my mother taught me to never judge a book by its cover.  Besides, I needed to focus on the positives, like center ice, center ice, center ice.  Conversation at dinner was dry at best and I couldn’t wait to get to the game.  Once we got to our seats, I thought I died and went to heaven.  I’ve never been so close to the players!  It was fantastic.  But there was a problem.  Some people are blessed with the gift of multi-tasking.  I am not one of those people.  Being on a first date and trying to watch a sporting event at the same time is hard.  Actually, it’s impossible and on top of impossible, it’s awkward.  I needed clarification after every question or statement.  I was annoyed at myself every time I said what, sorry I can’t hear you, or could you say that again.  We both gave up eventually.  At one point in the game, I noticed he was on his phone and waving to someone or something in the nose bleed section to the left of us.  He informed me his Dad and brother were also at the game.  Great!  A family affair!  It wasn’t a big deal until he mentioned that his dad brought binoculars to try to spot us to see what I looked like.  The rest of the game was just too painful.  I couldn’t enjoy either event.  I don’t even remember who the Ducks were playing or if they won.  Perfect seats, awkward date.

Christian Mingle – The Christian Who’s Not Really Christian

“Christian Mingle, see who God has for you”.  You can’t go wrong with that slogan!  There’s no way you’ll have a bad date with a Christian, unless he’s not.  I assumed there would be false advertising on other dating sites, but I expected more from Christian Mingle.  Paul, was an active, good looking, faith filled man, looking for a good girl, or so I thought.  On our date, he explained that he just got out of a four year relationship and that his brother recently married a girl from Christian Mingle.  As then date went on, I found out that he wasn’t actually a Christian nor was he sold on the idea that God exists, but figured that girls on Christian Mingle would fit his “good girl” expectation.   I went home that night and canceled my membership.

E-Harmony – The Football Player

Carl was the ideal man.  He had his own business, was a comfortable six foot seven, owned his home, and loved his dog.  Perfect!  He looked great in his photos, but from past experience, I knew to lower my expectations just in case.  We met at the Orange County Fair and as soon as I spotted my gentle giant, I was undoubtedly disappointed, again.  The Carl I was looking for was about 75 pounds smaller with full head of hair.  This Carl was not what my lowered expectations had expected.  Again, never judge a book by its cover or its 3XL poop brown polo shirt.  As we walked through the fair, we finally got a chance to get to know each other more.  After being totally awed by the fact that he was 32 and basically retired, I asked more questions on how that was possible.  Finally, he admitted that he used to play professional football for the Chargers.  What?! Yes, the Chargers.  I was impressed and intrigued!  Maybe I didn’t give Carl enough credit.  After the pig races, we went to see the fair animals.  Every male we passed, he felt obligated to whisper in my ear to notice that it was in fact, a male.  Imagine a six foot seven man, giggling, at the visible male organs on the various fair animals.  This date took a turn toward uncomfortable town.  What’s worse was that he seemed to be fixated on this matter.  For the next half an hour, he continued to bring up that particular organ and giggle about it.  My big burly, professional football player had turned into a 5 year old.  I didn’t hear from Carl again. Thankfully.

Recalling these dates remind me that despite the energy put into creating profiles, emailing, and texting, the outcomes seem to share a common theme: disappointment.  I guess it really depends on the person when it comes to dating.  I’m an old fashioned girl attempting to fit into a popular trend.  What I’ve realized is that classy and old fashioned might not be the popular way to date, but in the end, my expectations will be beyond anything I can imagine.  Maybe, even better than Ryan Gosling.

The Catch 22

I’ve heard different pieces of advice since I’ve been single in regards to obtaining a boyfriend.  Family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, and even the homeless man by my work (I’m serious); they all have an opinion on how I should go about finding a man.   I’d like to share this advice with you to illustrate the dilemma I’m currently in.

“Julia, you should just stop looking!  It always happens when you’re not looking!”  Of course this advice has some validity to it.  I mean, I know I can’t go running around holding a neon sign with the words, I’M SINGLE AND READY TO MINGLE, PLEASE MARRY ME on it.  As much as I would like to, (and really, I would never do that, don’t worry Mom) I’m aware that a man hunt obsession isn’t effective or a solution.

“Julia, you should try, Match.com, EHarmony, Christian Mingle, Catholic Singles, Catholic Match, Plenty of Fish, Christian Match, Perfect Match, Chemistry.com, The Bachelorette (yes the show), (and my personal favorite) Millionaire Matchmaker.  My sisters, brothers, friend’s, cousin, 10 times removed, found their boyfriend, husband, girlfriend, wife, soul-mate there!  It has to work for you!”  Did your head explode too?  Ok, I do know a lot of wonderful couples who’ve met this way and I couldn’t be happier for them!  Honestly, I think dating online or through a service has advantages that older generations didn’t!

"Julia, you should just do something you love and then you'll meet men who share the same interest as you."  Maybe that's true for some activities, but I'm not sure the 55 year old that swims in my lane at practice is available.  Besides, I'm open-minded, but not that open-minded. 

But, back to my problem, does anyone see the dilemma I’m faced with?  If I look too much, then I won’t find anyone.  If I’m not-looking, and by the way, I’m confused as to how that’s accomplished, I’m missing out on a potential boyfriend!  Craziness!  What’s the happy medium or where’s the line between obsession and apathy?  What does that line look like and will my high heel wedges be able to balance on it without falling?

With all the confusion of what I should or shouldn’t do, I answered my own question.  I signed up for Match.com again.  Yeah, that’s right, again.  With that said, I guess that means my neon sign is electronically up.  If anything at least I'll get more material to write about.  Wish me luck!

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone

I went camping with my family a week or so ago and as we were driving back to our campground from a hike, we noticed a man riding a horse.  Behind him, cows were making an uphill climb on the opposite side of the road.  Instead of slowing down, we had to come to a complete stop to make way for a few road rage cows.  With all the cow excitement, I almost missed, what seemed to be a mirage.  It was a boy, actually, a MAN, riding a horse in full cowboy attire, aviator sunglasses, and a sweet smile on his face.  I thought I was in a John Wayne movie!  I almost forgot my parents were in the car and I had to stop myself from drooling before anyone noticed.  He waved, probably at me, and kept those cows in line! 

A modern day cowboy!  What a MAN!  Have you ever seen a western movie?  I’ve seen Tombstone about a thousand times!  I used to imagine myself riding off into the sunset with Wyatt Earp.  We’d ride all the way to the courthouse to change his last name so we could get married and I wouldn’t have to introduce myself as Julia Earp.  No way would my last name be confused with someone belching.  Guys like Wyatt, Doc, and John were and still are the epitome of a real man!  So, where have all the cowboys gone?  Do they live in Texas?  Do I need to move?  Should I start attending rodeos as a part of my weekend routine?  Paula Cole wanted to know where the cowboys went in 1997.  She turned her question into a hit song, reaching millions, and I’m fairly certain she didn’t get an answer.  Paula, if you read this, the only cowboy I know of is herding cows in Kernville, California.

In lieu of seeing a real life cowboy, I decided to research and list the top ten reasons why every girl must date one.  One: they’re hot, duh.  Two: they’re well-mannered.  Three: they line dance.  Four: they ride horses and look good doing it.  Five: they wear flannel shirts. Six: they address you by saying Ma’am.  Seven: they’re usually Republican.  Eight: they want kids, a lot of them.  Nine: they’re quite the handymen when it comes to fixing things. And last but not least, ten: they can rock a helluva mustache.

I’ll leave you with this: if you see a cowboy, email me.  I’ve got some rope in my car to lasso him up.  It’s not creepy, it’s called being prepared.  As always, happy dating everyone!

Age and Expectation

We’ve all heard that age is nothing but a number, but I’m sure whoever came up with that probably was dating someone around the same age as their grandparent or grandchild.  It’s true; age shouldn’t matter if you’ve found the love of your life but with age comes expectations.    

Let me explain what I mean.   My expectation of a thirty-some year old man is reasonable.  He should have a good job (or at least a job), be mature, and hold a conversation.  Unfortunately in recent dates, my expectations have been shot, beaten, and run over by a semi-truck.

I know better than to have ANY expectations on a first date.  But it should be a generally accepted concept that if you date older, you have less to worry about.  Like they won’t have braces, ask you to drive, or wear socks with sandles in public(ew).  There should be a sense of calm knowing you are going on a date with someone who is past their fraternity and beer bonging days.

In short, the moral of the post is this; expectations of any kind, not just age, can set you up for disappointment. Let go of those expectations and be pleasantly surprised.  Keep calm and date on!

It's Not Me, It's You

I’m sure we have all heard the “it’s not you, it’s me”, break up line at one point.  If I made a list of the worst things you can say during a break up, it would definitely be towards the top.  The reason being that everyone knows it really means, “It ISN’T me, it’s YOU, I just don’t want to look like the bad guy (or girl)”.

When a breakup happens, both parties have some idea as to why the relationship ended.  But what happens when you never hear from someone after the first date?  This is my number one pet peeve!  Not only is it a blow to your ego, but you will NEVER know what happened!  It’s like the end of the movie Inception.  All you want to do is stand up and say, “Seriously?!  Come on!”.

I was recently on a date that went amazingly.  It was fun, flowed, and had just the right amount of flirt.  I felt comfortable and was totally myself (of course following my own advice).  If I was on The Bachelor, I would have gotten the final rose right then and there.  Game over.  Ok, I’m exaggerating a little, but I didn’t think the date could have gone any better.  Apparently, I was mistaken.

I don’t know it was because the Lakers lost that night or if it was the expensive bill (which was not my fault) but I still haven’t heard from this guy!  The more I replayed the evening in my mind, the more frustrated I became trying to figure out why I haven’t heard from him!  I’m at the point where I just want to know what happened!  I think that the two bottles of wine he ordered on a first date was probably a red flag, but everything else seemed totally copasetic.  So what gives?

There needs to be an anonymous tip line where singletons could find out why their dates never called them.  Most people know why the lifeline was cut after a bad date, but how do you know where you took a wrong turn if the date went well and all you get is radio silence?  Who fumbled?  You or your date?

Here is the moral of the story.  In instances where a fabulous first date gets you zilch, it’s probably not you, it’s them. 

Sometimes You Need A Little Tough Love

One of my favorite shows came back on VH1 and every time it’s on I am forced to take a look in the mirror and ask myself if I’m at the point where I could actually qualify to be a contestant.  No, it’s not the Bachelor, not yet anyway, it’s Tough Love.  If you haven’t heard of it, I suggest you watch it for two reasons.  One, its pure entertainment and two, you might actually learn something about dating (gasp)!

Basically, the handsome but unyielding love coach, Steve Ward, provides a few fortunate women with relationship advice and dating rules in order to find the happy, healthy relationship they’ve always dreamed about.  The catch is these women are the worst of the worst.  Gentlemen, picture the most horrifying date you’ve ever been on, times that by a million and you’ve got yourself a prime candidate to be on Tough Love.  

Besides the constant shock one experiences while watching each episode, it also forces one to take a minute to re-evaluate what message they are putting out there.  Watching the show, I have learned just how cray-cray girls can be!  I’m not talking about the NORMAL “bad day” tears or that one week of the month where we wish laser beams could shoot out of our eyes.  I’m talking about the gold digging, self absorbed, wedding crazed, obsessive, single ladies that give the rest of us a bad rap.  I feel bad for single guys when I watch this show!  Maybe single ladies everywhere need a good swift kick in the…head to remind us that the good men, who have become a fairytale character in our book, are probably thinking the same thing about us.

Now, these women on Tough Love are probably acting, but bad behavior like that exists in the real world.  Some ladies could probably use a little tough love to serve as a reminder that you can’t expect the best if you aren’t the best version of yourself.  So, as Ice Cube would say it, “check yo self”, and let’s make sure we avoid needing a reality show to set us strait.

Wedding Season

April is known for many things.  The beginning of spring, showers that will bring May flowers, Earth Day, four of my friends birthdays, and the realization that you need to get on a treadmill stat because summer snuck up on you, again. 

Oh, yeah, and for single girls between the ages of 21 and 30, April means wedding season has officially begun. Wedding season is like that guy who always pulled your hair on the playground in 2^nd grade.  You hated him, but for some crazy reason, you loved him too.

Preparing for wedding season is important so I will share some tips that I have learned throughout the years.

Save money.  You will buy many gifts.  You'll probably have to buy at least 2 gifts, sometimes 3, for each wedding.  Save time and money by finding out where each couple is registered and order all the gifts from one store.   You will get free shipping and let's face it, you deserve a little “free”.

Put your best foot forward.  By this I mean, get your butt to the gym.  There will be single guys at these weddings (we hope) so as a single lady, you must always look your best.  Now, sadly, your chances of eligible bachelors dwindle with age.  At 21, you'll probably have a large mix of choices.  At 24, you’ll have a few options. And at 27, well, I’ll let you know after this wedding season.

Hydrate.  There is always THAT guest at the wedding.  Hint: don't be that guest!  Make sure to drink water between each cocktail, beer, shot, and glass of champagne.  Horrible, horrible things happen when people drink too much at weddings.  There’s crying (done that), inappropriate dancing, eating of the wedding cake before it has been cut, stalking the videographer, stealing all the table cameras and taking pictures of yourself (also done that), and diving for the bouquet resulting in one of two ways, either landing in the uncut wedding cake or a somersault that exposes half your bottom (seen both).

Prepare your answers.  You will probably be asked the same question that you ask yourself on a daily basis: How are you single?  I would suggest altering your answers depending on who is asking them.  Never respond by saying, “I don’t know, you tell me.”  It makes people very uncomfortable.  The best way to respond to the most annoying question in the world is, “It seems I just haven’t met the right person yet.”  It’s true and non-threatening.  No one wants to be around a Bitter Betty, so don’t respond like one.

Finally, have fun!  OK, so there might not be cool guys like Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn spraying champagne everywhere at the reception, but weddings are awesome!  Remember that you’re there to support the happy couple making a lifetime commitment to each other.  It’s incredible and beautiful!  Take your heels off, boogie down, and do the Cupid Shuffle.  Who knows, maybe next year you’ll be the one tossing the bouquet.  As always, happy dating!