The Checklist vs The Shredder

Well it only took me 28 years to figure this out.  Everyone, at some point or another, has created a checklist of qualities they want in their potential partner.  It’s human nature to yearn for perfection.  The problem is, no one is perfect, well, except for Ryan Gosling. So if your checklist is a million miles long, newsflash, you’re going to be single forever.  Not just forever. I’m talking about The Sandlot type of foooorrr-eeeeevvvvv-eeerrrrr.  If there are certain qualities in another person that you know you can’t live without, by all means, hold out for what you want.  But if your checklist is the same length at the book Yongle Dadian, which has total of 11,095 volumes and 22,877 chapters, it’s time to throw the checklist away or risk dying alone.  Besides, a checklist that long is utterly ridiculous.  Mine was more reasonable.  I thought an even 20,000 chapters would suffice.

Here’s the point of this post.  I’ve learned an interesting lesson; again, it only took me 28 years.  A few of months ago I went on a handful dates with a couple of gentleman who had almost all of the qualities on my “checklist”.  Both guys were tall, handsome, smart, had jobs, and knew what they wanted out of life.  I shared a few things in common with both suitors and figured one of these guys had to be the end all be all.  After a few dates with each guy, I began to realize that even with my checklist almost full-filled, combined with shared interests, I found myself bored.  Completely bored.  Gone with the Wind bored.  I was so confused!  All of my dating experience and creating a fool proof checklist of the perfect boyfriend was all for what?  Nothing.  That’s right folks, nothing.  Well, not totally nothing, there was wine and cheese involved which is always worth something!

There’s so much pressure to date the person that fits the perfect picture of your future life.  Maybe that’s just pressure that I put on myself, though.  Friends have told me throughout the years to let go of what I think I need and to just let whatever happens, happen.  For the longest time I thought I knew better.  I was looking for the epitome of true gentleman.  What girl wouldn’t want that?  It wasn’t until I actually went out with the living, breathing, reality of my checklist that I realized how boring my life would be if I actually got what I wanted.  So, I’m off to buy a shredder.  Time to take my 20,000 chapters, make some confetti, and have a party, wine and cheese included.

Self Help Me

A quick note before I begin, I can't take credit for the catchy title. To the person who came up with it years ago, if you're reading this, thank you.

There's an episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte contemplates purchasing a book to help her with her divorce from Dr. Trey McDougal.  She courageously made her way to the Self Help section at Barnes and Noble.  Upon finding the book she’s looking for, she notices another woman, curled up on the ground, sobbing uncontrollably. With a Self Help book in one hand and tissues in the other, she tells Charlotte how much that particular book helped her. Charlotte, looking like a deer in headlights, immediately puts down the book and acts as though she’s lost.  “Travel?  Travel?” 

If anyone’s ever bought a Self Help book before (and don’t lie, you know you read He’s Just Not That into You), I’m sure you can relate to this scenario.  I know I have.  I started reading one recently.  It’s been sitting on my bookshelf for years doing what most of my books do, collect dust.  Browsing my extensive library of famous literary works such as The 28 Day Detox, How the French Stay Thin, and Twilight, my eye caught this simple yet powerful title.  Single. I had no intention of doing a detox, dieting, or re-reading Twilight, only to feel depressed that vampires aren’t real, so I decided to see what words of encouragement author, Judy Ford had for me. 

A few chapters in and I was surprised by the authors uplifting words.  Sure, it was corny at some points, but I’m realizing that the truth is corny because it’s simple. To some, reading a Self Help book is a defining moment of failure.  It means you’ve exhausted all other ways of getting answers without success.  In reality, it’s quite the opposite.  It shows that you’re willing to be open-minded and try something different.  This book hasn’t given me answers, but it’s helped to change my perspective.  Part of growing as an individual is changing or being open to a new perspective.  Anything that does that is worth dusting off.

Here’s what I found to be valuable and worth sharing.

“A big part of life is self-discovery and becoming the best person you can be.” OK duh, but sometimes we need to be reminded about the basics.

“Being single is the ultimate time for personal and spiritual development.  Take advantage and cherish your autonomy.”  I couldn’t agree more.  It’s much harder to find your personal direction when you're putting your energy into someone else or a relationship.  Taking the time to really find yourself is important before you meet Ryan Gosling.

“Love doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else.  Love is not a relationship.  Love is a state of being; it’s the condition of our own heart.”  I think everyone can benefit from this statement.

“Quality is better than quantity.”  Apply to this to everything, not just dating!

“Single isn’t an identity, it’s a gift.”  Rinse and repeat this daily.

“Whether you’re single or in a romance, individuality is a basic ingredient for happiness.” 

“Be darling, be eccentric, be you without apology to anyone.  Be prepared.  Be generous with your time, with your talents, with your loving.  And most of all my friends, be generous with yourself.”  I love this!

So, don’t be afraid to self help yourself.  There’s no shame in it. Gaining knowledge to be a better you is something to be proud of.  Change your perspective, learn, grow, be open, and live fabulously, no matter what stage in life you’re in.  

Just please don't read this Self Help book.  Scary.  Very scary.

Book: Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled, and Independent by Judy Ford.

Games: I'm Not Talking About CLUE

Games.  Everyone plays them.  It doesn’t matter if you’re single, in a relationship, or married, the games go on.

There are a couple reasons why I wanted to blog about this topic.  I’ll start with the most apparent one.  The Hunger Games is coming out this weekend!  Yay!  The movie has nothing to do with what I’ll be writing about but I’m really excited for it!  Guys, if your feeling in the dark right now, I suggest you start googling!  Girls everywhere love these books more than Twilight and if you experienced the chaos and obsession of Twilight, this is 10 times worse (or better). 

Now, back to the topic of discussion.  Playing games adds anticipation when dating and it can be used as a tool for flirting.  Just like dating, games have evolved over the years.  Granted, I don’t have a degree on this subject, but it’s successfully worked for me a few times.  Except for the rare instances where the guy was a dud.  On a side note, games are useless if the person you’re dating has a boring personality.  If that’s the case, you should be running for the hills, stat.

If you’re single, play hard to get.  Some say that singletons shouldn’t play this game, but seriously, if we didn’t, everyone would be bored within a week and peace out.  However, there is a point where playing hard to get can get down right aggravating.  If it’s taken to the extreme, you run the risk of being so vague and unavailable that it comes off like you’re not even interested which means you loose and no one likes to be loser.  So be smart.  Find the middle ground.  Follow the general rules like don’t text back right away, don’t be too available, wait 3 days to call after the first date, and always be slightly mysterious.   

If you’re in a relationship, keep it spicy!  New relationships are fun an exciting, but the thrill can sometimes lead to constant texting, calling, and hanging out.  In some cases, that can lead to a relationship system overload.  Yikes!  Of course it’s amazing to spend time with the person who lights your fire, but remember the beginning is the best part!  Play a few lighthearted games and keep it newer longer. 

Married?  Keep playing!  You have the rest of your lives together so what better way to zest it up then to play a little hard to get and re-live the beginning.  Obviously, you’ll have to modify these games at every stage, but I think it adds a healthy dose of pleasure to any relationship.

My final word of advice; be your-self, have fun, and take a date to go see The Hunger Games this weekend!  As always, happy dating everyone!

The Dating Pool: Floaties Optional

I like to think of the dating world as being a huge pool party.  There are the people in the deep end, drowning and desperate for a boyfriend, girlfriend, or marriage.  Then there are the folks in the shallow end, who are just that, shallow.  These people see dating as recreational.  They usually have hundreds of sexual partners and would rather loose a limb then commit to one person for the rest of their life.  Finally, there’s the middle of the pool.  I would say that most people hang out in this area, my-self included.  The goal is to find someone who is splashing around in your section.  You definitely don’t want to drift toward the deep end, but you also don’t to be so cynical about love that you end up in the shallow end.  The problem is there are so many people at this pool party and society tells us that there’s only one person out there for you.  My question is how are we supposed to enjoy dating when we’re under so much pressure to find “the one”?

My co-worker put this deliema in a different perspective for me and I thought I would share it with my fellow singletons.   Instead of there just being one person for you, there are actually 100 people who you could happily spend the rest of your life with.  Sure, we’d like to find the person who is at the top of that list, but guess what, if we met Mr. or Mrs. Fifty-eight, they go strait to number one!  Phew!  Now that the stress is off, jump in and enjoy the pool party because once you find and marry “the one/number fifty-eight”, it won’t be too long until you’re hanging out in the baby pool.